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FASHION:

I remember the first time I went to Paris. I was alone. The circumstances were last minute (long story) and I remember that for the duration of the transatlantic flight I felt as though I had an entire butterfly farm hatch in my stomach. I didn't have a place to stay when I got there, I didn't know anyone there, I didn't (and still don't) speak a lick of French, yet none of this really mattered to me as I was 20 years-old and on my way to Paris.

I imagined a glittery-gold Eiffel Tower, Bohemian artists on the Seine, romantic cafes where intellectuals and writers wore berets and sipped cafe au lait while pondering the true meaning of life. It's safe to say that I imagined Paris exactly as any other unsuspecting American who's never been there would.

I was sadly mistaken. My ooh-la-la images of Paris were abruptly replaced by a cold puff of cigarette smoke that was my first whiff of Parisian air at the Charles de Gaulle Airport. And that was just the beginning of the four-day string of disappointments. To summarize my disillusions, I'd ended up staying in the most unsafe, graffiti-ridden neighborhood in the city where I never saw one token beret, one croissant or much less a native Frenchman. When I left the city, the feeling was similar to what I felt the time I packed up and left Lubbock, Texas--sweet relief.

But I'm so thankful to have had that bad Parisian rendezvous. I see my trip to Paris very much a metaphor. Paris certainly was not what I expected it to be. But neither is life, folks. When you raise your hand, filled with high hopes ready to step up to the task, you're almost always in it for the glittery-gold Eiffel towers. You never take into consideration the graffiti or the small detail that you don't even know the language, making it impossible to even order yourself a cafe au lait.

Sometimes I feel like I'm back in that shady neighborhood in Paris wandering the streets feeling jipped, ripped off and pissed off. Wondering what the hell people see in a city like this. Wondering, "Who the devil made me come here?" What was it that made me eagerly and naively raise my hand to sign up for this circus. And most importantly, how do I get the the nearest train station to hitch a ride on the first train out?

I did eventually make it out of Paris, in one piece. And six years later, I actually went back to the City of Lights. By then I'd learned a few things in French (enough to order myself a croissant) and had a decent map that I used to steer clear of the seedy neighborhoods. By then I was older and wiser and Paris wasn't getting the best of me. Instead, I got the best of Paris.

I remember leaving Paris, for the second time. It was the end of February, on an early Sunday morning. It started to snow big, beautiful, crisp, white snowflakes. As my taxi wove in and out of small side streets past closed shop fronts, it felt bittersweet watching the silent city whiz by, a backdrop dusted in snow. I'd come to Paris to reconcile, reconnect and recommence. I was 26 years old, on my way home, back to my real life. It was bittersweet because though I was leaving Paris, I knew that Paris--in all its disappointments and glory--would not be leaving me.

AUTO: Ranchero/Camino Home Accessories

I recently figured out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I wouldn’t say it came to me in a flash, it was more of a gradual process that led me up to this point, but I feel like whole life is starting to make sense. I’m about 78% sure that Ranchero/Camino Home Accessories is my life’s calling.

It all started a few weekends ago as I was perusing the latest issue of Dwell magazine. Dwell magazine could easily be misconstrued as the metrosexual’s choice for coffee table reading, but really there’s much more to it than that. There are great stories about people stretching the limits of design in some really interesting ways. Honestly, I know nothing about design, but since my Dad is builder I feel like I have some sort of loose attachment and maybe even understanding of architecture and design. So, I’m flipping through Dwell and reading about these really cool lofts and homes when I suddenly had a vision: a 1957 Ford Ranchero.

The Ford Ranchero holds a very special place in my heart. There’s something magical about the combination of car and truck that is hard to resist. Love it or hate it, you can’t help but recognize its uniqueness in the car or truck world. In a similar, yet less obsessive, way I also really like the Chevy El Camino. However, since the Ranchero was the original car/truck hybrid on the market in 1957, I have a hard time accepting the El Camino as anything more than a cheap rip off. Similar to the way that Chevy ripped of the Mustang with the Camaro and even more recently Chrysler’s PT Cruiser with the Chevy HHR. Anyone else notice a trend here?

Back to my vision. If I remember it correctly I was thinking about my future place would look like. I always envisioned myself living in a big industrial loft that’s wide open with semi modern, yet classic looking furnishings. While reading Dwell and having this vision of a 1957 Ford Ranchero, the two merged together into one and suddenly there was a Ranchero in my loft. Awesome! In my head there’s no more classic or beautiful piece of art than any old 50’s car, but in order to justify it’s place in my pad it’s going to need a purpose, hence Ranchero/Camino Home Accessories. (R/CHA for short)

Purpose #1: Ranchero/Camino Garden

So, you live in a big loft with no yard, but you still want to garden? Let the Ranchero/Camino Garden help! Let R/CHA’s gardening professionals come assess your place and tell you what kind of Ranchero/Camino will fit your gardening needs. We’re going to take the Ranchero or El Camino of your choice and turn it into a one of kind gardening system. By sealing the bed of the car/truck and sodding it with the richest soils you’ll be able to plant whatever kind of plants suit your gardening needs. Do you like corn? Why not! What about okra, black eyed peas or squash? Go for it! Do you want your very own herb garden in the back of a classic 60’s car/truck? Bingo! You tell us what you want and we’ll even have our gardening professionals plant it for you. But wait, what about all the hassle and mess that’s going to come along with watering a garden. Not a problem, our vegetation hydration specialist have specially equipped your Ranchero or El Camino with R/CHA’s patented watering system. We’ve completely gutted the car and restored the outside to showroom quality, but under the hood is a whole new power plant that’s going to give you the power to water your plants with the flip of a switch.

Purpose #2: Hot Tub
Are you a hot tub enthusiast who wants more than crappy looking wood and fake marble on their tub? Do you like to party in style? I think we can help you. The hot tub professionals at R/CHA are going to guide your way through the process of converting a classic Ranchero or El Camino into the party barge of your dreams. Choose your car and we’ll custom fit a hot tub in the bed. We’ll set up all the controls under the hood and if you’d like we’ll give you booming sound system, or sauna, for the cab of your ride. Let the professionals at R/CHA combine your love of hot tubbing and hot rodding into the perfect solution for your partying and bathing needs.

Purpose #3: Pick-Up Putter
Do you ever find yourself sitting around your bad ass loft wishing you could do a little putting? Great, that’s the first step. Now, have you also been sitting around your bad ass loft thinking, “I really could use a vintage Ranchero or El Camino in here.” Excellent, let’s kill two birds with one stone. For the avid golfer and car enthusiast R/CHA brings you the Special Edition Ranchero/El Camino Pick-Up Putter. Is your short game lacking in golf and you could use a little bit of practice? Let the golfing professionals at R/CHA add a vintage car/pick up combination to your pad to help with your putting. The integrated Golf Swing Analysis system set up under the hood allows you take a look at your swing, while in the bed there’s a small, yet challenging putting green. Similar to the way an El Camino is comfort in the front and hauling in the back, this El Camino is swinging in the front and putting in the back…just like your ex-wife.

Purpose #4: Koi Pondamino
Specifically for the El Camino, R/CHA offers the Koi Pondamino. (only for the El Camino because the name sounds so sweet.) The Chinese are really on to something with Koi ponds. They believe that the Koi bring luck or “Ong” as the Chinese call it. I’m not sure about luck, but I know a vintage El Camino with Koi swimming around in the bed is going to bring you the envy of all of your friends. The integrated filtration and feeding system makes sure that your Koi won’t go belly up and ruin all of your newfound good luck.

Well, there it is, my life’s work. I’ll start taking orders as soon as I can get the website and the 800 number up and running. All I need now is a great theme song derived from the greatest El Camino song of all time:

El Camino, El, El Camino
The front looks like a car and the back looks like truck
El Camino, El, El Camino
The front is where you sit and the back is where you F***. (For our purposes we’d take out the expletive and insert: Garden, Hot Tub, Golf or Koi Ponding.)

POLITICS: Election Talk Anyone?

I am absolutely fascinated with the coming election. I live in Washington D.C., so I get politics non-stop, and I couldn't be happier about that.

This election is the greatest reality show/circus of all time. On the democratic side, you've got a a cuckold wife running on experience (8 years), a black senator promising change and a rich trial lawyer trying to connect with the poor.

On the republican side there is a an (allegedly) ethically-challenged former mayor of NYC, a mormon, a Baptist minister, and the most legitimate war hero of our time.

All we need now is Tila Tequila to invite them to move in to one house. We should be able to vote them out of the house one at a time.

Here are some of the greatest "moments" of the campaign so far:

1.) Hillary says Barack sold drugs.
2.) The Mormons think the devil is Jesus's brother?
3.) Mitt cries over civil rights.
4.) Mike Gravel
5.) Alan Keyes
6.) "I have a crush on Barack"
7.) Rudy brings protection to his affair.
8.) Ron Paul comment spammers.
9.) Huckabee's rise.
10.) Huckabee's (inevitable) fall.
11.) Two Americas (again?!?)

I love this stuff so much I wish I lived in Iowa. It is going to be a hell of a race and it isn't letting up until November 08.

BOOKS: w00t for books

These are potent, perverse times. Times of uncertainty and change. Times of War, Religious Zeal, Economic Turmoil, and Plummeting Intelligence.

It is times like this where one would like to seek comfort in a Beautiful Woman, a Stiff Drink, or perhaps, a Good Book. In these bizarre times that have seen the meteoric rise of the Internet, the Nerd, the Blog, and absurd amounts of technology that would make even George Orwell's head spin, perhaps it is in the simplistic binding of ink, paper, and glue where we can find refuge. Humans continually turn to their culture's traditions and myths for guidance in times of uncertainty. What better time for us to get back to reading?

I'm reading a Good Book now called The Devil's Horn. It's the story of the Saxophone, an instrument that inevitably evokes images and sounds of Sex, Cities, and Cool. About halfway into the book, author Michael Segell mentions an old joke about how a gentlemen is someone who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't.

I was watching Fox News the other day and decided that a Decent Human Being could be defined as someone who could have been a news anchor, but didn't.

Yes. It is a Peculiar Period in Time. Emerging from the Industrial Revolution and two Wars, America has now led the world in the Time of Technology. But will we let the woman who picks our books, pick our president?

Americans are not Readers. We are Doers. And Talkers. We shoot now and ask questions later. But can we maintain such a reckless way of life? "Don't be hasty," Tolkien's Ents warned us. So perhaps it is time for us to pick up those goofy, cumbersome, outdated "apps" we call books and read a few.

The publishing industry has begun perpetrating gimmicks galore, doing what little they can feebly do to goad us into reading. Not that their actions are for the sake of Humanity, but at least their end is noble, if not their means and reasons.

W00T for books!

So don't be so l33t and pick up an old-fashioned book. They go great with an Old Fashioned.

FILM: Vikings + 3D IMAX - $9.50 = Beowulf

I distinctly remember watching Jaws 3 in 3-D two decades ago. I was pumped and ready for a Great White to narrowly miss chomping my face off. Twelve minutes into it, I wanted to throw up, mainly from the terrible 3-D technology, partly because that movie is terrible. Nonetheless, it was the last 3-D movie I've seen, until I cozied up to a little Middle Englishman named Beowulf.

In a word, wow*. I have to give it an asterix, because I think if I saw this in a regular theater (plebs) if wouldn't have been as enjoyable, maybe even mediocre. But you add the revolutionary 3-D image processing that they are capable of doing now, and you get "wow." In my job, I work with an okay amount of digital effects and CG models, blah, blah. This movie left my mouth agape and my buttocks in the seat well into the credits. I was trying to replay moments in my head that were simply unbelievable.

Even things like the camera's position within the digital realm were borderline breakthrough, not your typical Shrek and Pixar placement. It literally puts you in the action without being shoved into action where you can't tell if you're looking at a crotch or a bow and arrow. The animators also totally nailed the particle effects for liquid, snow, etc. There are admittedly some character models that looked weaker than others, I blame Finland.

I digress, because I don't want to take too much away from this experience. And that's really the best word to descrbe it - not a movie, but an experience. That is the beauty of 3-D, putting you somewhat into the action as though it were a live-action diorama, or a theatre spectacle.

I did have a couple of lingering questions:
1.) Should I know who Ray Winstone is? Whoever he is, he must work-out.
2.) Even as a dragon-type succubus, Angelina Jolie still does nothing for me.
3.) Was this the same Beowulf that I could barely read back in 9th grade?

It is the last question that has stuck with me. I wondered if kids are better off being able to see a whiz-bang animated movie of Beowulf, or if they are more enriched by going through the process of reading a book written in Middle English? And would the creation of this movie strike Beowulf from the summer reading list at Piedmont High School, only to be replaced by HP's Chamber of Secrets? I love tech, but there's something to be said to keep a book's interpretation to your own imagination - not a huge, big, beautiful 3-D experience (which I still loved).