Best Line Ever

"I want a woman I can respect for her art, like a singer or a super-hot stripper."

- from Neil Strauss' The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists


Seriously, this is why I read.

...or a super-hot stripper...gets me every time.

And beyond the elegant one-liners, The Game is a very worthwhile read.

Reading is Sexy. Do it Like a Slut.

Iowa, Finally

Iowa "voted" last night. I may have been the only person outside of Iowa to even care, but I flipped between MSNBC and Fox News for about four hours last night. I figure between those two channels I can get a balanced view of what is actually happening.

Before I post my thoughts, for full disclosure, I generally vote Republican:

I detest Mike Huckabee. From now on, I'm calling him Suckabee. I think he's a Pat Robertson-type Iowa flash in the pan. When did "Conservatives" start defining themselves with Anti-Abortion and Gay Marriage rather than small, unintrusive Government? Suckabee is a funny guy, but no President.

A lot of people think Mike will get a boost in four days in New Hampshire--I couldn't disagree more. New Hampshire-ites are as much like Iowans as I am like a Grizzly Bear. Suck will fall flat on his face there, and McCain or Romney will win the state.

As far as Democrats go, I couldn't be more tickled. I strongly believe that since the day that Hillary married Bill, she's been planning to be the President. I can just imagine her in her hotel room screaming at an aide "Goddamnit, it is MY turn to be President. We planned this! Has the whole world gone crazy!". For that reason, I love Barack Obama. Hillary could never have planned for a charismatic, brilliant, telegenic, and skilled politician like Barack to come along, to say nothing of him trumping the whole "first woman president" thing, with his "first black president" thing.

On top of that, if the election of Obama significantly reduced racial tensions in this country, I would be willing to live with the inevitiable 10% tax increase that his election would bring. It's just worth it to me.

My favorite crazy-uncle politician Ron Paul actually did pretty well. He got 10% of the vote, which is pretty significant. I love listening to Mr. Paul speak--he's got positions that no other candidate would even consider taking, and to me it is refreshing.

I was also very glad to see that turn-out was very high; even for the Rube Goldberg-style structure of the caucuses.

On a related note, my roommate came home last night and couldn't believe that I'd actually watch election coverage. I didn't respond but I started thinking why this election is important. I don't know if I've been more impacted by Government than others, but this Government sent me to war (twice), paid for my college, takes thirty-something % of my paycheck, indirectly employs me, and makes traveling by plane an experience you can't endure unless drunk.

Damn right I'm watching--i'm watching because it fucking matters.

I'll be back after New Hampshire.

kb

SPORTS: Let’s Break Things On Our Own Terms

“You say last week you met the perfect guy
And he promised you the stars in the sky
He said his Cadillac was gold
But he didn't say it was ten years old
He took you out to the Red Coach grill
But he forgot the cash and you paid the bill
And he told you the story of his life
But he forgot the part about...his wife!
Well, these are the breaks!”

- Kurtis Blow, “The Breaks”

When the promise of a true national championship was introduced for the 1998 college football season it seemed time that age old bowl commitments be altered so that the public could have a victorious champion. Ten years later there are mixed opinions about the success of the Bowl Championship Series. Who gets in, who is left out, which mid-major school will play Goliath if they can remain undefeated and crash the party, and ultimately what teams will face off for the national championship.

Many people clamor loudly for a playoff that would allow the teams playing the best football to beat each other up on the way to a March Madnessesque finale. I have no problem with the playoff idea and find the idea to be very sporting. I only have one problem, it will never happen. Not because a college football playoff would be difficult logistically or because it would take athletes out of more classes, etc. It won’t happen because the university presidents and conference commissioners have too much at stake (i.e. money) to change the bowl and spoils system as it currently exists. So that’s that.

I watched the first half of the Sugar Bowl last night between Georgia and previously undefeated Hawaii. The endless wave of Georgia defensive linemen swarming the Hawaii offense was in several ways indicative of the complete mess that has infiltrated the highest levels of collegiate football. The fact that the defense was much bigger and faster than their opponents is only one of the cold shivers of truth that could be realized by watching even one Hawaii possession. There was no conventional way Hawaii could beat Georgia; a fact sugar coated by Boise State’s improbable Fiesta Bowl win over Oklahoma last season. For the next several years any team outside a power conference that is lucky enough to win all of their games will be rewarded by being offered up for a nationally televised bloodletting the likes of which should be restricted from broadcast television and certainly not aired before young children’s bedtime.

What about Appalachian State over Michigan this year or any of the other long list of upsets this season? Mere background noise, don’t be distracted from the big picture of what is happening to college football. The football national champion will continue to come from the BCS power conferences (ACC, Big 12, Big East, Big Ten, Pac-10, & SEC) as long as the current system is in place.

I like computers as much as the next 21^st century American. In fact computers pay my salary (I use direct deposit) and dominate most of my working days. But nonetheless, the BCS is nothing more than a computerized cheat to the American public.

Excuse me, I had to reboot.

Yes I went to a Big 12 school and work at another now. I don’t hate the power conferences, and I won’t suggest a lollipop and big bright rainbow solution of not having a champion because all of the teams are already winners. The reality of college football is that every year you could pick the two best teams from the previously mentioned conferences and let them play for the national championship. And that’s my point. Let’s leave computers for analyzing algorithms and broadcasting YouTube to your work computer. Leave Hawaii to bask in the warm glow of being undefeated by playing in the Also Ran Bowl and let humans vote without computer rankings etc. at the end of the year. Top two teams play for all the marbles. Let’s be accountable and dangerous. Let’s bash the Borda counts and pop the poll average. If the game turns out to be a blowout we can blame ourselves and never vote for the loser again.

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Welcome to www.thebandwagonblog.com

I'll edit before we go live, but what do you all think?

FASHION:

I remember the first time I went to Paris. I was alone. The circumstances were last minute (long story) and I remember that for the duration of the transatlantic flight I felt as though I had an entire butterfly farm hatch in my stomach. I didn't have a place to stay when I got there, I didn't know anyone there, I didn't (and still don't) speak a lick of French, yet none of this really mattered to me as I was 20 years-old and on my way to Paris.

I imagined a glittery-gold Eiffel Tower, Bohemian artists on the Seine, romantic cafes where intellectuals and writers wore berets and sipped cafe au lait while pondering the true meaning of life. It's safe to say that I imagined Paris exactly as any other unsuspecting American who's never been there would.

I was sadly mistaken. My ooh-la-la images of Paris were abruptly replaced by a cold puff of cigarette smoke that was my first whiff of Parisian air at the Charles de Gaulle Airport. And that was just the beginning of the four-day string of disappointments. To summarize my disillusions, I'd ended up staying in the most unsafe, graffiti-ridden neighborhood in the city where I never saw one token beret, one croissant or much less a native Frenchman. When I left the city, the feeling was similar to what I felt the time I packed up and left Lubbock, Texas--sweet relief.

But I'm so thankful to have had that bad Parisian rendezvous. I see my trip to Paris very much a metaphor. Paris certainly was not what I expected it to be. But neither is life, folks. When you raise your hand, filled with high hopes ready to step up to the task, you're almost always in it for the glittery-gold Eiffel towers. You never take into consideration the graffiti or the small detail that you don't even know the language, making it impossible to even order yourself a cafe au lait.

Sometimes I feel like I'm back in that shady neighborhood in Paris wandering the streets feeling jipped, ripped off and pissed off. Wondering what the hell people see in a city like this. Wondering, "Who the devil made me come here?" What was it that made me eagerly and naively raise my hand to sign up for this circus. And most importantly, how do I get the the nearest train station to hitch a ride on the first train out?

I did eventually make it out of Paris, in one piece. And six years later, I actually went back to the City of Lights. By then I'd learned a few things in French (enough to order myself a croissant) and had a decent map that I used to steer clear of the seedy neighborhoods. By then I was older and wiser and Paris wasn't getting the best of me. Instead, I got the best of Paris.

I remember leaving Paris, for the second time. It was the end of February, on an early Sunday morning. It started to snow big, beautiful, crisp, white snowflakes. As my taxi wove in and out of small side streets past closed shop fronts, it felt bittersweet watching the silent city whiz by, a backdrop dusted in snow. I'd come to Paris to reconcile, reconnect and recommence. I was 26 years old, on my way home, back to my real life. It was bittersweet because though I was leaving Paris, I knew that Paris--in all its disappointments and glory--would not be leaving me.

AUTO: Ranchero/Camino Home Accessories

I recently figured out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I wouldn’t say it came to me in a flash, it was more of a gradual process that led me up to this point, but I feel like whole life is starting to make sense. I’m about 78% sure that Ranchero/Camino Home Accessories is my life’s calling.

It all started a few weekends ago as I was perusing the latest issue of Dwell magazine. Dwell magazine could easily be misconstrued as the metrosexual’s choice for coffee table reading, but really there’s much more to it than that. There are great stories about people stretching the limits of design in some really interesting ways. Honestly, I know nothing about design, but since my Dad is builder I feel like I have some sort of loose attachment and maybe even understanding of architecture and design. So, I’m flipping through Dwell and reading about these really cool lofts and homes when I suddenly had a vision: a 1957 Ford Ranchero.

The Ford Ranchero holds a very special place in my heart. There’s something magical about the combination of car and truck that is hard to resist. Love it or hate it, you can’t help but recognize its uniqueness in the car or truck world. In a similar, yet less obsessive, way I also really like the Chevy El Camino. However, since the Ranchero was the original car/truck hybrid on the market in 1957, I have a hard time accepting the El Camino as anything more than a cheap rip off. Similar to the way that Chevy ripped of the Mustang with the Camaro and even more recently Chrysler’s PT Cruiser with the Chevy HHR. Anyone else notice a trend here?

Back to my vision. If I remember it correctly I was thinking about my future place would look like. I always envisioned myself living in a big industrial loft that’s wide open with semi modern, yet classic looking furnishings. While reading Dwell and having this vision of a 1957 Ford Ranchero, the two merged together into one and suddenly there was a Ranchero in my loft. Awesome! In my head there’s no more classic or beautiful piece of art than any old 50’s car, but in order to justify it’s place in my pad it’s going to need a purpose, hence Ranchero/Camino Home Accessories. (R/CHA for short)

Purpose #1: Ranchero/Camino Garden

So, you live in a big loft with no yard, but you still want to garden? Let the Ranchero/Camino Garden help! Let R/CHA’s gardening professionals come assess your place and tell you what kind of Ranchero/Camino will fit your gardening needs. We’re going to take the Ranchero or El Camino of your choice and turn it into a one of kind gardening system. By sealing the bed of the car/truck and sodding it with the richest soils you’ll be able to plant whatever kind of plants suit your gardening needs. Do you like corn? Why not! What about okra, black eyed peas or squash? Go for it! Do you want your very own herb garden in the back of a classic 60’s car/truck? Bingo! You tell us what you want and we’ll even have our gardening professionals plant it for you. But wait, what about all the hassle and mess that’s going to come along with watering a garden. Not a problem, our vegetation hydration specialist have specially equipped your Ranchero or El Camino with R/CHA’s patented watering system. We’ve completely gutted the car and restored the outside to showroom quality, but under the hood is a whole new power plant that’s going to give you the power to water your plants with the flip of a switch.

Purpose #2: Hot Tub
Are you a hot tub enthusiast who wants more than crappy looking wood and fake marble on their tub? Do you like to party in style? I think we can help you. The hot tub professionals at R/CHA are going to guide your way through the process of converting a classic Ranchero or El Camino into the party barge of your dreams. Choose your car and we’ll custom fit a hot tub in the bed. We’ll set up all the controls under the hood and if you’d like we’ll give you booming sound system, or sauna, for the cab of your ride. Let the professionals at R/CHA combine your love of hot tubbing and hot rodding into the perfect solution for your partying and bathing needs.

Purpose #3: Pick-Up Putter
Do you ever find yourself sitting around your bad ass loft wishing you could do a little putting? Great, that’s the first step. Now, have you also been sitting around your bad ass loft thinking, “I really could use a vintage Ranchero or El Camino in here.” Excellent, let’s kill two birds with one stone. For the avid golfer and car enthusiast R/CHA brings you the Special Edition Ranchero/El Camino Pick-Up Putter. Is your short game lacking in golf and you could use a little bit of practice? Let the golfing professionals at R/CHA add a vintage car/pick up combination to your pad to help with your putting. The integrated Golf Swing Analysis system set up under the hood allows you take a look at your swing, while in the bed there’s a small, yet challenging putting green. Similar to the way an El Camino is comfort in the front and hauling in the back, this El Camino is swinging in the front and putting in the back…just like your ex-wife.

Purpose #4: Koi Pondamino
Specifically for the El Camino, R/CHA offers the Koi Pondamino. (only for the El Camino because the name sounds so sweet.) The Chinese are really on to something with Koi ponds. They believe that the Koi bring luck or “Ong” as the Chinese call it. I’m not sure about luck, but I know a vintage El Camino with Koi swimming around in the bed is going to bring you the envy of all of your friends. The integrated filtration and feeding system makes sure that your Koi won’t go belly up and ruin all of your newfound good luck.

Well, there it is, my life’s work. I’ll start taking orders as soon as I can get the website and the 800 number up and running. All I need now is a great theme song derived from the greatest El Camino song of all time:

El Camino, El, El Camino
The front looks like a car and the back looks like truck
El Camino, El, El Camino
The front is where you sit and the back is where you F***. (For our purposes we’d take out the expletive and insert: Garden, Hot Tub, Golf or Koi Ponding.)

POLITICS: Election Talk Anyone?

I am absolutely fascinated with the coming election. I live in Washington D.C., so I get politics non-stop, and I couldn't be happier about that.

This election is the greatest reality show/circus of all time. On the democratic side, you've got a a cuckold wife running on experience (8 years), a black senator promising change and a rich trial lawyer trying to connect with the poor.

On the republican side there is a an (allegedly) ethically-challenged former mayor of NYC, a mormon, a Baptist minister, and the most legitimate war hero of our time.

All we need now is Tila Tequila to invite them to move in to one house. We should be able to vote them out of the house one at a time.

Here are some of the greatest "moments" of the campaign so far:

1.) Hillary says Barack sold drugs.
2.) The Mormons think the devil is Jesus's brother?
3.) Mitt cries over civil rights.
4.) Mike Gravel
5.) Alan Keyes
6.) "I have a crush on Barack"
7.) Rudy brings protection to his affair.
8.) Ron Paul comment spammers.
9.) Huckabee's rise.
10.) Huckabee's (inevitable) fall.
11.) Two Americas (again?!?)

I love this stuff so much I wish I lived in Iowa. It is going to be a hell of a race and it isn't letting up until November 08.